Thursday, March 15, 2007

The WWFP Extremist Cage Match!

This is an open invitation from the newly created World Wide Federation of Peace (WWFP) to everyone who is willing to kill and/or be killed for their ideology (and noncombatant supporters of extremist organizations).

  • Do you know that the world is doomed unless everyone converts to your religion and listens to your God?
  • Are you a member of the only race God truly loves?
  • Are you a born leader, willing to pretend to be religious in order to manipulate others for your own personal gain?
  • Are you willing to kill others, send people to die for you or be killed yourself in order to accomplish your goals?

Well, what's stopping you?

International laws?

The whining of innocent bystanders about collateral damage?

Or maybe it's just too difficult to convince the world that you're right when there are so many other groups out there claiming that they're right.

Well, here it is:

The answer to all your problems!

As you probably already know, the leaders of every country on the globe have unanimously agreed to settle all of the world's ideological conflicts in one monumental battle:

THE WYOMING CAGE MATCH!

The United States has graciously offered up the state of Wyoming to be evacuated and walled off for this, the greatest event in human history.

Yes, beautiful Wyoming!

Not only is it square and sparsely populated (making it easy to evacuate and wall the perimeter), you'll have 97,818 square miles of battlefield. Wyoming has everything you'll need to fight and subsist for decades. There are mountains, plains, and 714 square miles of water.

Finally:

No laws, and no innocent bystanders!

Just you and everyone else seeking world domination or the proliferation of his or her own religion. Here's your opportunity to prove that God really is on your side.

Time to put-up or shut-up.

So what's the prize?

The world!*

That's right, all world leaders have agreed to hand over absolute authority to the winners of this epic battle, as they will have proven their moral superiority. *

The Rules:

  1. All extremist factions will be registered with the WWFP, including volunteers, individuals proven in an international court of law to be involved in terrorist organizations, and any world leaders who have sent their people to war for ideological reasons (i.e., religion, "freedom," to force sovereign nations to adopt the "right" form of government, or because God told them to).
  2. The leader of each faction will be given one key.
  3. After Wyoming has been evacuated and walled off, combatants and supporters will be flown into prearranged sites.
  4. In order to ensure the integrity of the wall, combatants will be furnished only with primitive weapons such as knives, swords and arrows.
  5. Cars, farm equipment and communication devices will be allowed, but no tanks or flying machines.
  6. In order to ensure your fairest chance of victory and prevent your enemies from escaping, any individuals crossing the sensor lines within a half-mile of the wall will be electrocuted.
  7. The winning faction must collect the key from every other faction, at which time they will be able to unlock an underground computer terminal located in the center of the state and establish communication with the outside world.

And the world belongs to the victor! *

But wait!

Don't be left out just because you're too squeamish for battle! If you support an extremist organization and want to see it victorious, you can support them from behind the front lines.

Each faction is going to need farmers to subsist in Wyoming for this decades-long conflict. They will also need communications experts, scouts, medical professionals and much more.

Don't miss this opportunity to finally prove that you know what's best for everyone else! *

THE WYOMING CAGE MATCH!

BE THERE!

*If, throughout the duration of the conflict, the world proves to have been better off without extremists, peace and moderation will be declared the ultimate ideologies, and the winning extremist faction will be given absolute authority over what is left of Wyoming (which will remain walled off).

8 comments :

Roxanne said...

Oh my god!

LOL!

This is so fuuny!!

We shoud do this for real. Lock all the wackos up in one place and let them kill EACH OTHER while the rest of us get on with our lives in peace!

Damion said...

No, we should do it the Douglas Adams way.

Find a way to convince them the planet is going to be destroyed, and send them away on ships to repopulate somewhere else.

And send the bureaucrats with them!

Anonymous said...

Too funny!!

derelect said...

"Yes, beautiful Wyoming !"

Hi-larious!

I love this blog!

jason said...

They should have live webcams placed strategically. 50/50 split in ad $$'s - wyoming project agriculture dept / secular charities. We could cure hunger and homelessness and sell fritos at the same time.

Heather Annastasia said...

Jason you're a genius!

Someone alert Halliburton that they could make money off this thing, and we just might get this project off the ground!

Does anyone have Dick Cheney's number?

jason said...

1-800-yo-satan

Heather Annastasia said...

Jason, I won't tolerate such blatant disrespect for Satan by comparing him to Cheney.

Ha! Actually, if Satan were real, I think he would laugh at that one.

I'm half tempted to call and see if Cheney answers.