Thursday, April 28, 2011

Affirmative Action

This country has come just far enough that public displays of hate and racism must be made in code. Gone are the days when a mild-mannered white person could simply say, "I don't think a black guy should be president." (Of course, the "one drop" rule still applies, since we don't recognize that our president is actually half white.)

So, since people like Donald Trump can't question the legitimacy of our president on the grounds that he is black, he hammers the ridiculous question of whether he was born in the United States. (It's not like Trump can be racist. He gets along so well with "the blacks.")

But Trump can no longer hammer the birth certificate issue now that Obama has produced the coveted long form version. (Personally, I don't think Obama should have dignified the question with a response.)

What now, Donald?

That's right, now we're going to question whether Obama should have gotten into Columbia and Harvard. After all, it's not like he had rich parents who could buy his way in. Where does he get off, anyway? Getting a top-notch education? There was a rich white kid who could have used that spot. Uppity. That's what it is.

Seriously though, I think Trump is doing a great service to our country. He's stirring up the filthy muck that rests in the depths of our society, lest we believe that the election of a person of color to our highest office is a sign of the end of hate and racism in this country. Keep stirring, Mr. Trump! Keep drudging that mud up to the surface and exposing it to the light of day. Keep proving that we still need Affirmative Action to level the playing field for intelligent minority kids whose parents can't buy them a good education or job.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Dear God,

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the lord my soul to take.

And if I may ask one humble favor:

Please, please, please, with sugar on top;

Please, please let Donald Trump run for president.

I promise to do all my homework and clean my room,

If I could just have this one thing. Please, please, please....


Saturday, April 2, 2011

Dear Afghanistan (and Muslims around the World),

I don't know why no one told you this sooner, this is actually kind of embarrasing, and we really couldn't have expected you to know this, but here in this country... um, how can I explain this? OK, in America, we completely disregard anything said or done by people with mullets and/or handlebar mustaches.

They're what we call "rednecks" and "hillbillies." Basically, they tend to be ignorant, racist and hateful people. They love to go around waving the American flag and the Bible, but if you spend more than five minutes talking to them, you'll find out that they know very little about their country and their religion, and they are prone to regurgiate Fox News talking points in lieu of any thoughful political insights.

Yeah, so... I'm sorry to be telling you this after the fact, but "Pastor" Terry Jones has all the tell-tale signs of just being a redneck idiot (I'm not sure why our own media payed him any attention to begin with; they knew better). Anyway, I'm sure this must be very embarrasing for you; being manipulated into a violent frenzy by a gosh-darn hillbilly. Ouch.

In the future, to prevent this kind of thing from happening, it's always a good idea to avoid getting angry when someone who doesn't like you is trying to make you angry. See, if you get angry, then you are giving that person what they want; you are giving them power over you. It's one thing if you are going to hurt the person making you angry, but hurting innocent people, and eachother... well that's just stupid. I mean, that's the kind of thing you'd expect a bunch of rednecks to do.



Friday, April 1, 2011

On Libya and "Western" Civilization

Frankly, when it comes to Libya, I think we are doing the best we can with a bad situation. Unlike the Iraqis, the Libyan people asked for help. Unlike Iraq, the US is not the sole driving force of international intervention. And unlike the Iraq war, most of the world, including many Arab nations, support military intervention in this conflict.

I want to say that the political movements sweeping the Middle East are an opportunity for Western culture to take hold in that region, but I have a problem with the term "Western" culture. Here in the West, we have this notion that our culture was born in Ancient Greece, and from there it followed a straight path to Rome, then to Europe, then to America.

The problem with this notion is that it overlooks an important time in European history following the collapse of Rome. Do the "Dark Ages" ring a bell for anyone? You know, those hundreds of years after the fall of Rome when people forgot all about reading and math and science and the Earth being round?

People are forgetful; that's why we keep doing the same stupid things over and over. But it just so happens that after the fall of Rome, there was a group of people who didn't forget about math and science and reading... anyone out there know who I'm talking about, because it's another one of those things that our culture seems to have completely forgotten...

The correct answer is: the Muslims!

That's right, during our "Dark Ages" while Europeans had lost essential knowledge like the importance of washing hands and purifying drinking water, the Muslims flourished in places like Spain. They practiced the arts and sciences handed down from Roman culture, and even improved on it by inventing things like the number 0 (seriously, they were the first ones to think of 0, which is the basis of our modern numerical system, also known as the "Arabic" system).

It was only through our conflicts with Muslim nations that we were able to recover all that lost knowledge; and it was that recovery, and the education that followed, that eventually led to our culture's Renaissance.

So as we yearn for the prospect of "Western" culture taking hold in the Arab nations, I think it would be more appropriate and productive to view this process, not as us giving them something which is uniquely ours, but as us helping them find something they lost. We are not so much doing them a favor as we are returning a favor owed.

And may we all move forward together, hand in hand.

Dear Congressman Kucinich,

     I'm an Ohioan and I have always liked you. I voted for you in the presidential primaries, and I had Kucinich signs on my lawn. So please don't take this the wrong way, but what the hell are you thinking? Going on Fox News to talk smack about the president? I'm not saying you have to support Obama on everything, and you have the right to your opinions about our involvement in Libya; but Fixed News? Really?

     And the comments you made about the situation in Libya were just below the level of intelligence that I know you possess. Do you really think that the Libyans can protest their way to freedom like the Egyptians did? Gadhafi is no Mubarak. He has no problem mascaraing civilians. There are times, unfortunately, when change cannot happen without bloodshed. Our own great country could not have been born through peaceful protest.

     Still, you are entitled to your opinions. Just, please, in the future, don't give Fixed News the satisfaction of ridiculing you and everything you stand for on a daily basis, and then entertaining you when you have a grievance with Obama. Have some dignity; not just for yourself, but for the Ohioans and the liberals you represent.